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Aug. 6th, 2014

I feel like I don't know how to sleep anymore.
I lay down in my bed, and my mind is racing. It thinks to itself of things that both do and do not matter.
Of things I can and can not change.
Of lyrics and math and worries and hopes and just whatever it can to keep me awake,
and leaves the rest of me hanging, wishing for brain death.
How many days will I do this thing?
How many nights will be spent wasting that time
but not knowing anything more than the desire to lose consciousness?
And on the rare nights I do sleep, I dream,
and it's awful.
That thing I used to love, that escape, that blissful retreat.
I can't seem to find it anymore.
I dream of failures I've not even committed yet.
I dream of trying to save those I love and just fighting and fighting and fighting.
There's no end to the fighting anymore.
In dreaming.
In waking.
Living is a fight.
Getting through the day is a fight.
Dreaming is a fight.
It seems there is no escape, and I am so tired.
All the time.
I skipped therapy last week after changing the time and saying I would be there. I don't know. I'm stressed about therapy because of money. Wondering if I should stop going. It's not a lot of money, but it still really stresses me out.

I have a new crush. He seems to like me to for a change, but then again they always do. He's sort of flighty and aloof. This is also not unusual for the people I tend to like. He's much older... also typical of my style. I'm investigating it all still. We'll see. At the very least he's funny and a good kisser and has awesome politics and a great job. Huge points there. I don't know, though. I have to wonder what's wrong with him if I'm interested in him. :/


So far it's not working. This a not good.

For my record, there are 2 new medications on the market: Simponi and Cimzia.

Of course, there is always a price to be paid...


[Posted 04/14/2011] ISSUE: FDA continues to receive reports of a rare cancer of white blood cells (known as Hepatosplenic T-Cell Lymphoma or HSTCL, primarily in adolescents and young adults being treated for Crohn's disease and ulcerative colitis with medicines known as tumor necrosis factors (TNF) blockers, as well as with azathioprine, and/or mercaptopurine. TNF blockers include infliximab (Remicade), etancercept (Enbrel), adalimumab (Humira), certolizumab pegol (Cimzia) and golimumab (Simponi).

BACKGROUND: HSTCL is an aggressive (fast-growing) cancer and is usually fatal. The majority of cases reported were in patients being treated for Crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis, but also included a patient being treated for psoriasis and two patients being treated for rheumatoid arthritis. FDA is now updating the number of reported cases of HSTCL.

Although most reported cases of HSTCL occurred in patients treated with a combination of medicines known to suppress the immune system, including the TNF blockers, azathioprine, and/or mercaptopurine, there have been cases reported in patients receiving azathioprine or mercaptopurine alone.


Educate patients and caregivers about the signs and symptoms of malignancies such as HSTCL so that they are aware of and can seek evaluation and treatment of any signs or symptoms. These may include splenomegaly, hepatomegaly, abdominal pain, persistent fever, night sweats, and weight loss.

Monitor for the emergence of malignancies when a patient has been treated with TNF blockers, azathioprine, and/or mercaptopurine.

Know that people with rheumatoid arthritis, Crohn's disease, ankylosing spondylitis, psoriatic arthritis and plaque psoriasis may be more likely to develop lymphoma than the general U.S. population. Therefore, it may be difficult to measure the added risk of TNF blockers, azathioprine, and/or meracaptopurine.

I started a blog,

and I would love it if you guys would read it, follow it, post it about so that others can read it, all that jazz.


Other than that, so sick, so very loved by an amazing guy, and overall things are great. I'll post something here soon.
I've had some weird stomach type bug for just under 48 hours now. It's definitely fading away as I think my fever is nearly if not entirely gone, but my body is still being angsty with me.

That being said, my boyfriend is awesome.

I was supposed to blood wrestle tonight, but I had to bow out due to the ick. So instead he's here with me. He bought us foodings (I had to try to eat something, so soup for me) and brought over apple juice and ginger ale to mix together for me along with yogurt and his handsome self. He's been getting up for me and scolding me if I try to do things for myself, and it's so very sweet of him.

He must really like me or something. Weird. :")
He: Damn, looks like the toaster didn't make it here yet... I could always do the super ghetto method of using the stove to cook the poptarts.

Me: *Starts laughing hysterically*

He: Oh, come on, you've never done that before?

Me: No, lol. We do have a microwave, you know.

He: What kind of heathen are you?!

Me: I'm sorry, do you want me to build a fire in the middle of the living room?

He: Why?! We have a device that does that already!

Me: I wish there were more people to hear this, because we're hilarious.

He: There's a solution to that; TWITTER! My god, woman, it's like you're not even thinking!

The It Gets Better project...

I posted a video for the It Gets Better project, and you should too! View mine here: http://youtu.be/P_l-jcj2y5Y

This is a subject that is near and dear to me. I know that my friends care as well. Whether it's for 1 minute or 10, every video really does matter.

A year later...

You ruined Christmas for me... the one holiday I never stopped loving... and all I really want is to be able to hold you again. What am I to do with that?

Posted via LjBeetle
~ The pseudo-kinship that is shared between people who follow the same sports team.

~ Related: People who get fanatical about sports... or religion... or really, anything, actually. I guess I just don't understand fanaticism.

~ People who think it's totally acceptable to be rude/mean to someone get a laugh for their friends. I really just can not relate to it on any sort of level.

~ People who decide to hate something based on the fact that all of their friends hate it. Whether it be a book, or movie, or ANYTHING. I know it's going to sound like a HUGE LEAP, and really it is a big leap, but remember that guy Hitler who decided he hated a bunch of people and then convinced other people to hate them too, based off of nothing substantial whatsoever? Yeah, that's what it's like to me. Again, bit of a leap, but the same sort of mindset. And I don't care if people don't like something, so long as they have an actual REASON.

So, yeah, that's about all that's been occupying my brain today. I told you it was a short list.

Fucking Hipsters...

After trolling around the innertubes of the world wide-eyed web, I've had yet another realization about why I hate dating lately...

In a word: HIPSTERS.

I just don't fucking get it.

1) That's not the definition of irony. I blame Alanis Morissette, personally, but ignorance is not an excuse anymore. Not when you use it as a way of life. Wearing an ugly shirt from any generation other than this one that is intentionally *sarcastic* is NOT IRONIC. It just isn't. Accept it and find a new descriptive adjective to go by.

1b) My friend Anna said it best: "Dear Gay Men - What is up with the new flannel trend? It is not the 90s and you are not a woodsman. Stop."

2) WASH YOUR GOD-DAMNED HAIR, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY! Also, I don't care if you're vegan, wear some fucking deodorant. They make all-natural shit that works, I promise. I'll even give you the $4 to go buy some. Actually, no I won't, but just fucking do it already, ok?!

3) After you get it washed, maybe you should consider having it cut and-or styled in a way that makes you look like something other than a cocker spaniel. Just sayin'.

4) I don't care that all your friends are doing it; being rude in public because it is counter-culture is not cool. It just makes you look like even *more* of an asshole if you can believe that's possible. And you can go ahead and feel free to attribute your need for a dating website to that fact that you're an asshole and can't hold on to a girl because of it. We'll agree with you, and then tell you to stop being an asshole. Again. FOR THE 436q75304532 time.

5) I can only continue praying that wearing those hideous sunglasses that have slotted horizontal plastic pieces over their lenses will ultimately be the cause of your demise. That would just be BEAUTIFUL IRONY. If you're going to preach it, you may as well live it, fuckers.

6) You should all watch this, because it's fucking funny. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAO4EVMlpwM